I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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