I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
