I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
