i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize