had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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