If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
