dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize