So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
