WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
