can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize