i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize