Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize