Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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