I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
