I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
