This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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