I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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