I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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