the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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