The best revenge is premature balding
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
