my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
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