I met the friendliest cop last night
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
