I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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