im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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