Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
