The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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