I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
