I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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