he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
