Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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