I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
