Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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