sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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