the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Randomize
