Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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