I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
