I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
