I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Last time i carry you out of a forest
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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