The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Edward fifth and chaser hands
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
My ass is underappreciated
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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