3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
