I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
