Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
