I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
