a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
