saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
