Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize