I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
