apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize