This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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