based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize