I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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