Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
