So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Damn victory sex feels great
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
