Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
