I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
The adults are the big ones right?
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