Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
