the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
