I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
