You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
