i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
