How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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