he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
