I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
