Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
