Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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