I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
