I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
