Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
