My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
