I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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