How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
