He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize