Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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