John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize